As someone who was adopted as a newborn, and ESPECIALLY as someone who is trans-racially adopted into a white family, my entire life has basically been a Q&A session of ignorant ass questions about adoption and I am tired of answering them. So let me answer them once and for all.
General Adoption Questions/Statements
- Don’t you feel lucky you were chosen?
Why would i feel “lucky” i had no choice in the matter and i’m not a dog that got picked out from the pound. My adoptive parents did not close their eyes and randomly point at a name on a page. Thankful, yes, “Lucky” no. Adoption is not luck based.
- Did you grow up in an orphanage?
No, while some people do, many of us do not. Adoption is not like the “Annie” musical.
- So, like did your biological family not want you or something?
First of all, why the fuck do you care? That is none of your business. This question is so inappropriate on so many levels i cannot even. Secondly, many people who are placed up for adoption are because the parent(s) either die, or simply cannot take care of the child and want them to have a better life. Few people give kids up for adoption just because they don’t want the child.
- How much did you cost?
Yes, people ask this question. You would be surprised how many people ask this question. I am not an animal being sold to the highest bidder. “I did not “cost” anything, it is the paperwork, adoption agencies, court filings, fees, inspections etc that cost money you fuckin ignorant ass morons. Also, a question that i am not sure why the hell you need to know that information, if you are asking because you are interested in adopting, asking the ADOPTEE is not appropriate at all, do your own research.
- It must have been really easy for you since you adopted as a baby.
What? Says who? What the fuck are you talking about? Every person who is adopted is going to have some things they are going to struggle with whether they realize it or not. Being adopted as a baby doesn’t magically solve that. You are STILL growing up in a family that you are not biologically connected to, and unless they never tell you you’re adopted. You will probably experience some things that make feel left out or disconnected from your family in if they are very loving. And as I was adopted into a white family, it was pretty fucking aware that I was not from that family, being as i was the only person in my family that had brown skin.
- You must feel really left out huh?
Well not really till you just brought it up, thanks asshole.
- So you must be against abortion huh, i mean you could have been aborted?
Ummmmm, why do you need to know that info? Also, pro choice does not equal pro abortion. I am very much pro choice and will always advocate for a woman’s right to choose what she does with her body. Would i personally have or encourage someone to have an abortion, no but i would never even attempt to deny another woman that same choice. My mother made that choice for herself.
- Don’t you think you’re better off being adopted?
How would i know? I have no clue what my life would have been like with my biological family, nor do i know what might happen down the road with my adoptive family. Why is it a competition? Why is that even relevant to anything at all?
- Do you consider you adoptive family your “real family”?
Good lord, yes. Just because you are not biologically related to someone does not mean they are not a family. They raised me from birth, loved me, provided for me like any other family. the actual definition of “family” has no mention of biological relationship whatsoever. They are my “real family”. WTF is a “real family” anyways? Can you really have a “fake” family?
- I’ve always wanted to adopt/I wish i was adopted.
Do not try and use this as a way to “connect” with me. Adopting someone is not a walk in the park, it is not like going shopping for a new pair of shoes. It is raising a child, a child that more than likely will have some issues, especially if you adopt them at an older age, there will be cultural barriers, and more. Adoption is not a hobby. Nor is being adopted any kind of a fantasy either, idk why anyone would “wish” to be placed with a different family then their own, unless you have your own family issues, in which case you need to deal with yourself, not diminish my adoption experience.
- I have always “felt” adopted/ I have a step parent so it is kind of like i’m adopted.
No the fuck it aint. How the hell would you know what it is like to be adopted? How do you know what being adopted “feels” like, you are not adopted, stfu.
- Do you want to meet your biological family? What would you say to them?
None of your got damn business is what i am saying to you. This is an very touchy and emotional subject for almost any adopted person, and highly inappropriate for you to pry about such things especially when you are not a close friend to the person. Even if you are a close friend, it is not your right to know, if the person wishes to talk to you about it, they will.
- Do you ever wish you could switch families?
Why would i? I have a family who loves me, supports me and has never treated me different because i am adopted or a different race. Why would a skip around to families? It is also fucked up because there ARE kids who do get passed around to different families against their will, returned like they are damaged goods from WalMart, it’s not really funny or something to make light of when there are people who are actually going thru that. I cannot even imagine going to a family who has vowed to raise you and love you then them being like “sike!, you’re too difficult we are sending you back to the agency” WTF is wrong with people. This happens more often than people think.
Questions/Statements About Trans-Racial Adoption
- Do you consider yourself white?
WTF? No. Being raised in a white family does not make me any less black. My skin is black, my heritage is still African, my history is still the same, my ancestors are the same, my culture is the same.
- *Some comment about how i look like/have my adoptive parent’s trait*
No, i do not. They are white, i am a dark skin black woman. we look nothing alike. Nor did i “inherit” anything from them, because we are not biologically related. Idiots, you are not making me feel more comfortable by trying to make a connection for me to my parents.
- You look just like your other adopted siblings
Again, no i do not. Just because we are all black, does not mean we look alike. We are not biologically related. We are not even from remotely the same geographical area. my sister is from Ethiopia, my brother is from Oregon and I am from Texas.
- Did you parents adopt you because they wanted to “save the minorities”
Believe it or not, everyone is not Madonna & Angelina Jolie who adopt to be white saviors. Minorities are a pretty big amount of children put up for adoption worldwide so chances are if you want to adopt, it is probably going to be someone who is a person of color. They wanted to adopt, and they were actually chosen by my birth mother while she was still pregnant with me.
- Do you think life would be easier if you were raised in a black family?
Yes and No, the only thing that would change is that i would have been raised around people who look like me. So as far as race, culture and education about black people, yes that would have been much easier, being as i pretty much had to teach myself. However, i would still have everything that comes a long with being adopted. Abandonment issues, sometimes self esteem issues, loss of identity etc.
- Do you think white people shouldn’t adopt other races?
Of course not, honestly if it wasn’t for white people taking in other races, those people probably would never have gotten a home. However, i do think that white people need to educate themselves on race, racism and everything in between and fully understand the shit that is going to come with transracial adopt, the shit tht your child is going to face and cultural barriers and not denying that child the chance to learn about their own culture as well as being open minded when they express issues of race to you. I think that too often white people focus so much on not making their poc child feel left out or different, that they forget that we are different, we are not white, we never will be. We need to be able to indulge in our culture of origin as well.